How To Become A Future Pop Band

encontrei este texto algures na web. Confesso que pode ser um pouco controverso este texto :D Para o ppl que quer ser Future Pop...


You've seen VNV Nation, Assemblage 23, Seabound and countless others cashing in on this easy and yet temporarily effective marketing trend, which some consider the nu metal of the electronic world. So listen up, grab your pens and start taking notes, and watch the cash start a flowing!

(1). You MUST harness only built in MIDI sounds on your keyboards. If we wanted to get technical and start using any complex like sound linking and external samples, we'd be playing industrial. Can't have any of that, folks, we're here to get the kids a-dancing us all the way to the bank!

(2). You must be from Germany, this is nonnegotiable. If you're not from there, you MUST move there, even if you speak little to no German. Fame will find you there, even though the music overall is pretty unheard of there.

(3). If you're not from Germany, you must also compensate for that fact with a German name, preferably with 'Welt' in the name. Any old German word added to that will work. Huhnwelt, Sheissenwelt, any of those will work.

(4). The secret to the perfect Future Pop beat revealed:

A. Set your drum machine to the loudest and thickest "Kick" or bass effect you can find, then turn the amps up to 11 ala Spinal Tap.
B. Sequence the beats to go either at a 4/4 pattern, or time it to where it's either every second or every other second.
C. Or you can use the ever-loved latter day Funker Vogt method and go with the same time pattern but substitute the pattern with a bass-snare effect. Boom-chucka-boom-chucka, woohoo!

(5). Though you appear to dapper and over the top for the rave crowd to fully pick up on or to care about, you MUST extend your hand to the rave crowd at every concert. Forget goths even attend the show and buy your CDs, it's the rave crowd you one day hope to be drugging with one day. One day, when the market for this dies off, you'll be able to make like DJ Ronan and start appealing to the Fischerspooner and C+C Music Factory crowd.

(6). You must have a DJ gig where you get paid 10x the amount the real DJs get paid. Refer again to DJ Ronan. You may owe your very existence to them and would be bagging groceries without them, but that doesn't mean you should let them have the money. You're the star, baby!

(7). You must not be able to really sing, to make you sound genuine. A perfectly monotone voice is called for in this situation, to get to the core of the emotions. Can't let things like notes and octaves get in your way, that would take from either the "four to the floor" or epic aspect of your music. It also helps the authentic factor if you huff helium or hold your nose during the chorus, singing like Gonzo from Muppet Babies after a handfull of downers. Let the Deine Lakaiens last and keep an audience through quality song and singing, we're here to grab that quick buck while it's hot off the press.

(8). No matter how many underage, overweight newbie psuedo-goth girls you may be banging backstage, you are in permanent isolation always!

(9). You must read 1984 and quote it thoroughly. And then take those quotes, change a few words and make lyrics of them. That or Kazaam, you choose. And you MUST use the movie for it during live shows.

(10). Tape a bunch of CNN and MSNBC and use it on screen during your live shows. If you don't get this in your area, tape Emeril Live or something and sample him going "Bam!".

(11). You must have at least one song about machines and about nothing but machines. Your toaster is now a machine of walking bloodshed, my friend, harness it's pain!

(12). Only use synth lines during the chorus and at no other time. And if it requires you to do more than hold down four keys at once a few times, then it's way too complicated. You're not Alan Wilder here or Cevin Key, we gotta keep it simple or people may get confused.

(13). On those synthlines, reverb is your best friend!

(14). Make sure that the synthlines are NEVER nearly as loud as the basslines. The beats are your bread and butter. Otherwise, you can get back to bagging groceries.

(15). You must appear on at least 90 remixes per month, pumping out more remixes than original material. You're the star, charge them out the ass to get that sophisticated 4/4 beat of yours added to their song.

(16). No matter what, NEVER hit that little button that plays "Little Brown Jug" or "It's Raining Men" instead of the pre-programmed song you set up.

(17). During instrumentals, you get rid of the synths and drums and hop on your laptops. Just hit the buttons and make it look like you're doing something. Take care of your taxes, look up porn, play on the Fark forums, they'll go nuts for it as long as you have some light visuals on.

(18). Sing those love songs like Apoptygma Berserk, be sweet and sing along to Kylie Monogue tunes. Be the ultimate lover man on CD, then the god of all pricks in person. Don't sign autographs or talk, keep a mean sneer on your face as your past dignity is wiped clean. If they pass you a pen and CD, give em a good sucker punch.

Read up on Oasis for more info on this, it'll help you alot in your relationships with the fans.

(19). Love songs and lots of them if you don't know much about world events! You've either gotta be singing about how much you hate the war in Iraq or you gotta sing Clay Aiken covers. Either way, you're getting laid tonight, my friend.

(20). You must wear uber-German all black getups ala a gothed up Devo. Especially if you're not German.

(21). When someone calls you Future Pop, you MUST divert their attention and tell them you are EBM. Or trance, depending on which way you wanna go.

(22). When they ask you your influences, you must at all costs never name bands. You must tell them you are driven by (insert Snog subject matter here done alot less cleverly) I dunno, human greed, consumerism, Greenpeace, David Letterman's toupee, kids seeing monkeys get it on at the zoo, etc.

(23). You must live in a large German city like Berlin or Hamburg, yet sing songs about how much you hate industrialization and large cities. You may love having that 7-11 around the corner, but you're a caveman at heart.

(24). You must show your whole 10 words of German in interviews. Recite one witty Bavarian maxim over and over again until you get it right, soldier!

(25). You MUST have at least one really slow, lighter-holding anthem on your CD about something or other of how "you feel the pain".

(26). You must own a Waldorf and forget about the keys outside of the presets. If ain't a preset, it's not music in Future Pop.

(27). In your bio, above all, you must emphasize how you're going to take over the dance floor. Blah Blah emotion blah blah heart..........WE'RE GONNA TAKE OVER THE DANCEFLOOR AND MAKE YOU SHAKE YOUR BOOTY WHILE SOBBING!

(28). If you can listen to it at home and not the club, get back to bagging groceries.

(29). As soon as your CD sales exceed 2,000 over a few years, get a rock star complex. Quit your day job, put your email up on the website yet never reply to fan email, start hanging around in bars, etc.


lol :D

~Wellen